People watching has to be one of the most amusing ways to pass the time waiting in an airport. You will see people from all cultures and walks of life. Most will seem like everyday, ordinary people, while others will seem a bit off the wall and marching to the beat of their own drummer. Now we are not suggesting mocking the unusual people you see in the airport. We are just telling you to observe and take everything in. You may just have some amusing stories to tell about the airport when you return from your trip.
1. Is Nick Really a Saint?
Should you happen to be in an airport in December, it is not surprising if you bump elbows with Santa Claus. He is a busy man who likely has to make special appearances all over the world in December. However, if you are in an airport in July and bump into Santa being escorted through by two security guards, you are probably left wondering what Santa is up to. Is he getting a head start on Christmas, or is it just a disguise to try to get illegal goods through the airport undetected? Whatever he may be up to, it is obvious his disguise did not work. Shame on you, Saint Nick!
2. Catch a Wave, Catch a Wave
Everybody’s gone surfin’, surfin’ USA! If you have never been through an airport in the middle of the night, it can be an interesting place. An empty baggage carousel can be very vulnerable to people who have had way too much coffee during the day, or one too many cocktails on their flight. Maybe it was a dare or a momentary lapse of reason, but this person is obviously catching a wave or two down the baggage carousel.
3. Winter 101
Just like motor vehicles, airplanes will slide on an icy tarmac. Be sure to increase your braking distance and to avoid any objects that may be in your direct path. Any attempt to overcorrect a sliding aircraft, as the results could be disastrous. Read your aircraft insurance manual carefully, as an icy tarmac may not be considered an act of nature. Just because they have seen it, does not mean they will cover it. Does anyone have the number for a local tow truck?
4. Is It Your Lucky Day?
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. However, we hope you paid attention to the roulette wheel during your stay. Skilled players will be rewarded when they arrive home, as we have replaced the normal baggage claim with a roulette wheel. To successfully claim your baggage, you need to place your bet with the flight attendant as you board the plane. Once the plane lands, head directly to the baggage claim. If your bag appears on the color and number where you placed your bet, you will go home with your bag. If not, you lose. No more bets!
5. Please Bear with Us
Ladies and gentlemen…we will be delayed once again due to unforeseen circumstances. Not to worry, the plane has already been de-iced, and the proper winter precautions have been taken. As your pilot, I have 30 years experience flying in the coldest and iciest conditions. However, I have not been trained on attempting to take off with a polar bear on the runway. Animal control specialists are on the way. Rest assured, the polar bear will not be harmed in any way. Thank you for flying Antarctica airlines.
6. May the Force Be With You
We are pleased to announce that flight 1977 to Tattoine is on time, as scheduled. Initially, we had thought the sandstorm would make it difficult for passengers to make the connecting flight into Tattoine. We now know that is not the case. The flight will be boarding at Gate R2-D2 in about 45 minutes. Until then, please feel free to enjoy a beverage in our Skywalker Bar. The Cantina Band is now playing for your listening pleasure. Jar Jar Binks will also be telling tales of his space adventures.
7. Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Is it Ms. Kardashian or Mrs. West? Forgive me, if it is Ms. Kardashian-West. For the last time, yes, you look fabulous. No, there is no reason for TSA to take you to the search room. We also do not know where your children are. Is Mr. West with you? Perhaps he took the children to get some milk and cookies. We are sorry your flight has been delayed. We have called ahead to arrange for transportation to meet your sisters at your vacation villa. Will this be a new vacation reality show, or is it a segment for the family show?
8. A Sticky Situation
Hasn’t Daddy learned taking a nap around two young daughters is risky? The trip to the airport gift shop should have waited until after they arrived at their destination. Buying souvenir sticker books was very risky, considering their flight was delayed. Most parents would not trust young children with a new sticker book in public. Obviously this Dad was too tired to even think about the consequences. Unless, he figured it would be a good way to ensure that the kids would not wander off. Good job, Dad!
9. You Are Grounded
Mom has just arrived home after a long flight. I am sure she will be happy to see her husband and children, even if one of them has a wicked sense of humor. Imagine how angry Mom will feel if the airport is extremely busy. Many people will see the sign and possibly pass judgment on Mom. Of course, Mom will judge the situation by trying to figure out who will be grounded and for how long. Given the approximate age of the child holding the from prison sign, we are guessing Dad is really in trouble.
10. April Fools?
Is that our pilot coming down the hall? Is it too late for us to change our flight? Hopefully this is an early April Fool’s joke or a practical joke on the plane’s crew. Can an airplane pilot really fly the plane based on feeling? Does he have enough support from the crew to support his lack of sight? Is this a sign I should not be taking this trip? Who can I talk to from the airline that can give me answers? I like to think I have a good sense of humor, but this may be taking it just a little too far.
11. Bust A Move
Directing traffic on the runway can get very boring, especially if the airport has not been very busy. It has to be loud being outside with all those planes taking off and landing. Wonder if those headphones are noise canceling or if he has music playing. It seems like he is grooving to “Walk Like an Egyptian.” How much fun these guys must have with those lights. Even if they are noise canceling headphones, he must have an earworm going on. Do you think he has the moves like Jagger?
12. Seriously, Grandma. What Did You Do Now?
Grandma gets pushed up to the security checkpoint in her wheelchair. We tell the officers that we have her cane, and she will be able to walk through the metal detector on her own, slowly. They say it is not necessary, as they will be paying close attention to Grandma because they are not sure what she has up her sleeve. Apparently, they see nothing wrong with making a 75-year-old woman stand and hold her arms out in the middle of a busy airport. What could Grandma possibly be up to?
13. It’s an Airport, Not a Nudist Colony
Yes, officer, I understand that nudity is not always acceptable in public places. However, you see, I have had several surgeries and most of my body is being held together by metal pieces. Every single time I go to the airport, I end up being wanded what seems like 100 times, and the beeps still happen. You are going to call me back to the search room anyway. I thought I would just save time and remove my clothing ahead of time. I placed it neatly in the bins, along with my smartphone and the marijuana I use for medicinal purposes. You will find my prescription notice rolled up neatly in my underwear, for safe keeping.
14. Too Close For Comfort
We told John he should not crawl inside the machine to try to fix it. We crawled in so far that when someone accidently hit the start button for the conveyor belt, he got stuck. While I know this machine like the back of my hand, I have never encountered a co-worker stuck in the machine. We are waiting for the fire department to arrive to assess the situation. Until then, this lane is closed, until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience.
15. I See Ben Seaver. Who Do You See?
The whole point of tighter airport security is to make people feel safer and to expose possibly threats to the public’s well-being. So, why is it that Leonardo DiCaprio gets to walk through almost unnoticed? What if the alarm rang as he walked through? Would he get away with it? Does the officer see little Ben Seaver walking through and not the deceptive Billy Costigan? He did fool Frank Costello and infiltrate his crime organization. Perhaps, little Ben is worth a second look, officer?
16. He’s a Maniac…
Is the first thing that comes to your mind the dance scene in Flashdance, where she finishes her dance routine and leans back on the chair and pulls the chain leading to the spilling water? Kind of makes you wonder what type of music is playing the halls of the airport at this late night hour. It has to be late night, since it is not crowded, right? Did he think no one would see him? The container he is holding looks like a milk carton. Just what is he pouring into his mouth, anyway?
17. What Not to Wear
One thinks he is Cinderella, and that is the name he booked his flight under. The customer service agent just went to get the manager, as something about Cinderella’s story was just not believable. Didn’t his ugly step sisters tell him that his skirt was just a little too short for his body frame? Seriously, what was his Fairy Godmother thinking? The other guy obviously missed his flight for the Village People tryouts. The cowboy boots were a nice touch, but the baseball cap seriously clashed. Couldn’t he find a Tab tank top? That would be more believable than Mountain Dew.
18. The Joke is on You…
So you decide to schedule your return flight from your vacation during the middle of the night, to save money. You ask your adult son to pick you up. You exit the plane to find your son holding up a sign welcoming you home and telling you that you are out of cereal. Not so bad, right? Wrong. He is dressed in an adult onesie with cartoon characters on it. Much to his chagrin, you ask him for the car keys and tell him that you will stop at the Qwikie Mart on the way home to get his Captain Crunch. Is he embarassed that a beautiful woman was walking by as you said that?
19. No Ma’am, I Have Not Been Drinking…
What is going on, girl? Why would someone wanding you need to hold the top of your head? The look on your face is priceless. Makes us wonder if you are experiencing a stick up? Exactly what are you carrying in your pocketbook? If I didn’t know any better, it was like they had suspicion that you were drinking or doing drugs, Did they ask you to walk a straight line while reciting the alphabet backwards? While else would she be holding your head?
20. Look Mom, One Hand…
When your flight is delayed, why not catch up with a good book and practice your synchronized swimming routine? I am sure no one will notice that you are dangling your buddy with one hand. They will be more than marveled that you are doing it while reading a book. Some may even ask you if the book is any good. A few might not even think it is synchronized swimming, and ask you if you are figure skaters training for the Olympics. If you happen to be at JFK or LaGuardia, chances are you may even be ignored.
21. Like Father, Like Daughter
Some people can sleep anywhere at anytime. It takes a special kind of breed to fall asleep in those uncomfortable airport chairs. Maybe Dad read his Daughter something completely boring in the newspaper. He obviously is one of those Dads that made his Daughter get up at an ungodly hour because he thought it would take forever to get through airport security. You have to admit it is cute the way they are holding hands. It is as if they want to travel together in dreamland. The exact open mouths though is your first clue that they are related.
22. The Early Bird Gets the Worm?
Is it a reduced ticket price? Is it a free seat upgrade? Whatever the case may be, it is obvious that the sleeping man does not want to lose his place in line. Sleeping on the floor has to be more comfortable than sleeping on those uncomfortable chairs. However, what happens if they start giving away what he is waiting for before he wakes up? Do you really think other people will try to wake him? I would be willing to bet they step over him in line as he sleeps, figuring he would be none the wiser.
23. I Know What You Did at the Airport…
We get it. The airport chairs are uncomfortable and next to impossible to sleep in. Staying in the jacket will keep you warm and offer a layer of protection from whatever germs may be resting on the heavily traveled carpet. What we don’t understand is why is your hand covered in duct tape? Did someone see you with your jacket and hood, and it reminded them of the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer? This is why you should not fall asleep anywhere in public. You are vulnerable to practical jokes or even worse.
Once you have retired from professional sports, does that mean the fancy transportation to the airport ends? Do people no longer recognize who you are and what you meant to their beloved sports team? If you saw Michael Jordan getting off an airplane and waiting for his ride, wouldn’t you be thrilled? Considering all the millions of dollars Michael Jordan made, he could probably hire his own driver. This is likely a coincidence. This is an average Uber driver waiting for some local guy with the same name as Michael Jordan.
25. Excuse Me, Where is the Bathroom?
The sign with the picture and labeled as Men is usually enough to distinguish which is the Men’s room. What’s with the number of people figures depicted on the wall? Yes, men come in all shapes and sizes. What is the point? Maybe they intended it to be a conversation piece, or maybe it is just considered contemporary art. There should be no mistake, after seeing all the men types painted on the wall. It is the Men’s room.
26. Be Mindful of Your Surroundings and Others
You know the feeling all too well. The passenger in front of you has reclined her seat back so much that you do not have any leg room. You can clearly see that she is sound asleep. Your first instinct is to wake her and tell her how ignorant she is about the other people surrounding her. No, that is out. You might start a fight and be ejected from the flight. So you do the only thing you can do. Curl up in an uncomfortable ball and wish to yourself that you hope it rains her entire vacation because she is an ignorant witch!
27. The Customer is Always Right?
You have been stranded in one too many airports. Regular people you see standing and conversing are just too dull for you. Suddenly you begin to fill in the conversation without even listening to what they are saying. In this scenario, you have envisioned the customer service agent is agitated with the woman in line. She is trying her best to be nice, but at the same time she is insulting the customer. Even the guy behind her is annoyed with how long she has been in line. Should you go get security or wait and see how this all unfolds?
28. There is One in Every Crowd
What do you mean I can only check one bag without being charged? No, I do not have more than three one ounce bottles of personal toiletries. Of course, she then pulls out the entire perfume counter from Macy’s. Her suitcase is over the weight limit by five pounds, and she cannot decide which pairs of shoes she should take in her carry-on bag. By the time she gets checked in and her baggage taken care of, you are ready to smack her. Yes, we all know the type.
29. Airport Food
Has anyone ate at the airport lately.. It can sometime be very good and other times not so good. This image above is an example of one of those not so good times. This breakfast sandwich was $6 and looks like it was supposed to be an eggs and and ham sandwich but it looks like it was just a bread sandwich.
30. Can We Get This Over With Already?
I don’t know about you, but I have very little trust in other people standing at the security checkpoint in the airport. It grosses me out having to take my shoes off and stand on the heavily traveled airport floor. I hate putting my carry-on in the bucket container. I never know if it is safer to put my smartphone in the carry-on. Just look at this guy. He appears to be checking out someone else’s bucket. If that person’s smartphone is better than he, will he be tempted to take it?
31. Make Way for the Bag Ladies
How many bags can fit on one luggage cart before they begin to tumble? Is this luggage Jenga? If you pull one from the middle, will it stack on top without causing the tower to fall? Didn’t anyone tell you the deposit quarters are returned when you return the carts to the rack? How in the world do you see while pushing this cart? Bet you didn’t carry all of these to the car at once. Do you know how much this will cost to check all of these with the airline?
32. Kicking and Screaming…
But Dad, I don’t wanna go to Hawaii. All that sun, warmth, and good food. It will be terrible. All my friends are spending Spring Break in Florida. I want to go to Florida so I fit in with my friends when I go back to school. If we go to Hawaii, I will feel left out. I will have nothing to talk about. Everybody will have fun talking about Florida. They will not be interested in hearing about Hawaii. If you want me to go, you will have to drag me there!
33. Bringing Home the Bacon
State budget cuts have affected security at local airports. Drug sniffing dogs have now been replaced with pigs. While drug arrests at the airport have leveled off for the month, the amount of food airport restaurants have wasted has drastically decreased. Apparently the pigs can smell food that is beginning to a rot a mile away. Simply empty it into their trough, and it will be disposed of. Wait a minute, it appears Charlotte has sniffed out some sort of rotting salad green in this locker. I know one pig who will not go hungry tonight!
34. A Potential Exposed Concealer
Excuse me, officer. I do not have anything shoved under my shirt. How dare you think I would stoop so low! No, there is nothing stuffed in my bra. If you don’t believe me, here I will show you. What do you mean that will not be necessary? You clearly doubt my integrity.
35. PDAs Will Not Be Tolerated Here
You know those long goodbye kisses that seem to last for three days that you see in the movies? Aren’t they so sweet? Well, guess what? Read the sign. They will not be tolerated at this airport. Peck her on the cheek, hug, and be done with it. Yes, you will be gone for a week, but she will be home waiting for your return. Do not pollute our walkways with unnecessary and prolonged public displays of affection. Your return reunion will be so much sweeter that you may even thank us!
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